The Pleaser And The Narcissist Are Two Recurring Characters In High Finance
How to get out of toxic relationships in Private Equity
This is a twice a month newsletter exploring breakthrough insights from 5000+ hours of 1x1 executive coaching with your best and brightest Private Equity and Growth Equity peers, subscribe here:
The Pleaser And The Narcissist Are Two Recurring Characters In High Finance
Both may present with a “victim” mindset and outwardly tell people they feel “unappreciated” and secretly “fear abandonment”
In the end, one is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and the other is a sheep who often leaves before they are slaughtered. And some Pleasers, with enough years of mistreatment by the Narcissists, cope with their disappointment by adopting narcissistic behavior themselves!
So how do you spot these two types?
The Pleaser / Guilted giver cares a lot about what other people think. They try to read the minds of those around them, rather than just asking. They spend a lot of time trying to what others might want, rather than just asking. They say “sorry” and hedge down direct observations or questions with “can I ‘just’ ask…” as if they fear a potential negative response to their perfectly reasonable ask. The Pleaser displays self-doubt, and fears being abandoned if they fail to please. While the pleaser seeks coaching when they’re at the end of their rope, it’s quite easy to help them shift gears by helping them see that they are not crazy, create and enforce new boundaries, and exit toxic situations.
The Narcissist only sees it their way. Others exist as objects for manipulation to help the Narc secure power, status and money. They have no empathy for their peers, and feel entitled to take more than their fair share. While they feel superior to, and disconnected from most, they rely on their identifiable achievements to feel like they matter. The narcissist exhibits overconfidence, and fears abandonment and “not mattering” when they fail to win. The Narcissist seeks coaching when the 360 review outs them to their boss. While a lot of damage has been done, certain narcissists are helpable and can learn to moderate their antisocial behavior which is preventing them from attaining the status they so desire.
The cornered pleaser often freezes with paralysis and a victimized catastrophic mindset.
The cornered narcissist will break every promise and law to regain position.
Sadly, the Narcissist and the Pleaser are perfect codependents who may “partner” together for decades until the Pleaser finally can’t take the inequity anymore and starts protesting consistently while not being gaslighted back into compliance.
Finance is also full of a lot of balanced, authentic leaders! So have faith with a keen eye, you can find a healthy environment for you.
Ask yourself “what is my CEO/CIO’s personal motivation? How does their value system trickle through the culture of the firm?”
#investmentbanking #privateequity #privatecredit #growthequity #successionplanning